Tuesday, April 3, 2012

{i am a closet control freak}

So, I have never really considered myself a controlling kind of person. I mean, i do have tendencies for certain things to work out just right, but i never considered that to be "controlling".

last november, we were hit hard financially. it came completely out of the blue and as of today we are still dealing with it. now, i have had my share of financially difficulty, but nothing like this. this is scary. and the fact that there is literally nothing that i can do about it scares. and it has been during this time that i have realized that i am a closet control freak.

yes, i have admitted it. i am a closet control freak. you see i do not like that there is nothing i can do about my financial situation. in fact, the only thing i can do is just pray, and trust God that we will be ok. and as of late I have been doing a poor job at it. instead, i have been angry with God for allowing this to happen to us. and one day as i sat thinking about how angry i was i realized that the thing i was most angry about was that there was nothing "I" could about my situation. this "out of control" feeling that i was feeling was freaking me out. this unnerving feeling that the only thing i can do is just pray and trust scared me oh so much...and i must admit it still does just a little bit. and it was right then that i realized that i am a closet control freak. you see, i am so used to coming up with a cleaver way to "fix" my problems, but this i cannot fix--no way, no how. and that really scares me. in the end, i know this will work out somehow...i would like it to be sooner rather than later.

and the more i think about it, the more i realize that maybe God has allowed this to happen so that i would let go of my "closet control freak" and just give it all over to Him.

what about you? are you a closet control freak too?


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