I have been trying to write this post for a long time, longer than I would like to admit, but something keeps holding me back...I make excuses for why I cannot write it...it's not the right time...I don't have the right the words...I don't have the time...what if you think I'm failure.
As I take a closer look at the excuses that have piled up before me I see one common thread among them all--fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of what happen, fear of change.
I like to think that I embrace change with open arms, but who I am kidding? Apparently myself. Let's be honest, change can be scary. And with most change comes the unknown and the unknown is the scariest of all.
You see, I am a planner. I like to have an idea of what's going to happen tomorrow. Nothing concrete per say, but an overall general idea--a loosely laid out plan like going to the park, or hanging at the library--I don't do well with out a plan. But lately God's has been taking my plans and throwing them out the window. And not, just out the window, but clear into oblivion. I think He's trying to tell me something and apparently He's tried to before, but I've been a stubborn mule and ignored it.
Part of my little Princess' nap ritual is to read the Bible, the same little toddler Bible I read to Einstein. Last week, during a particular trying day when I felt like a failure and had stubbornly pushed God away for the upteenth time, the last thing I wanted to do was read the Bible and be convicted. So, I reached for a different book, my little Princess, with an air stubborness (hmmm, wonder where she got that from) said, "No! I want to read Jesus!" I put the book back and picked up the Bible instead. I opened up to our bookmark and there was a big fish staring me in the face. As I read the story of Jonah attempting to hide only to be swallowed by whale, I began to think. Am I turning into a Jonah? Has God been telling me to do something, but I've just been ignoring Him and maybe hiding out in the corner hoping He doesn't notice? Has my stubborness forced His hand to take things away from me so I have no choice but to sit, listen and obey?
All I know is....
I don't want to be a Jonah!
I don't want fear to control me to the point that I run and hide from my Creator--the One who loves me the most, despite my failures and all my ugliness.
I don't want to fear change, I want too embrace it wholeheartedly because I am sick and tired of fighting it. I think Shauna Niequist says it best in her book Bittersweet:
"If you dig in and fight the change you're facing, it will indeed smash you to bits. It will hold you under, drag you across the rough sand, scare and confuse you."
I don't know about you, but I've got burns from being dragged across the sand. I tired of getting a mouth full of sand; instead, I want to walk across it with my Lord. And if I gets too hard and I get tired, I know if I ask for His help He will be there to help me out.